I'm writing this from the top of the slide that resides in my backyard.
The one I haven't even so much as been within three feet of since I was probably about eight.
in the ten years that I've lived here, I've never so much as taken a minute to look around at everything.
Standing on the platform preceding the slide as I was a few minutes ago, I got a view of the town that ten years ago it wasn't even possible for me to have.
No, not because of height, but because of the way I processed things: me first, everyone else second, the world last.
When I stood on the platform, I saw smoke rising from the top of a factory, the gentle edge of trees lining the outskirts of town. I saw grass billowing in the subtle wind and heard cars skidding through the side streets that so intricately encased the house I once couldn't even look at without muttering the infamous words, "I cant wait until I can leave."
I came out here about half an hour ago and ended up going through an elaborate list of things to do, before walking around to browse through the yard.
As I reached the back corner of the yard, I stumbled upon the swing set.
I say stumbled upon, not because I never knew it was there, but because I havent even glanced at it since I was nine.
Being the smartass I am, I figured I'd sit on it, act like I was four, and then as quickly as the desire to ride it had come, the attention span to continue would evaporate.
So I sat down and pushed off.
And as I was lifted into the air, I just stared aimlessly down at my feet.
The word on my shoe was dreamer.
"Yea." I thought to myself. "That's all I'll ever really be, isn't it?"
Before I knew it, the swing slowed to a slight sway, and I surprised even myself by pushing off yet again.
This time however, I really started to think.
About myself, about my life, about the future.
I was more aware of everything suddenly.
I felt the snugness of the swings chains around my hips, representing how much I'd grown.
Not grown as in, gotten fatter, but grown as in…I'm not eight anymore.
I'm not a little kid who's biggest concern is when the ice cream man comes and what time Spongebob comes on.
I'm not that little girl who can't do anything without a look of reassurance from her parents first, or without a squeeze of her hand to tell her it was going to be okay.
I'm not the same person I was seven years ago.
As the swing again began to slow, I began to pump my legs to keep myself steadily rising upward.
Once I'd fallen into a rhythmic rise and fall with the wind, my eyes drifted to the tree ahead of me.
Man, was it big. A lot bigger than I remembered.
As my vision drifted toward downward I realized how much I'd really grown.
I could remember back to when I was six or seven and was a terrified wreck when I was posed with the thought of making a jump off the swing.
How I'd spend insanely long periods of time talking myself into it and then spend equally as much time talking myself out of it, only to go and do it anyway.
I was a very…er…indecisive child.
But as I looked down at the ground below, jumping seemed simple and effortless, even as I neared the peak of my rise.
I wrapped my fingers carefully around the ropes keeping me suspended and shoved myself off the swing, into empty air.
Once my feet had hit the ground, I felt all the feelings doing this as a kid gave me: excitement, pride, sheer happiness; rush into me with a surprising force.
Something, however, was missing from it all.
The terror.
When my feet hit the ground, the pride I felt was the usual, cocky, 'teenager' pride of "dude, I'm amazing and I can do whatever the fuck I want."
But there was none of the pride I used to feel after doing this, the pride that I had in myself for disregarding fear and just going for it.
But this time there was no terror, just apprehension in the fact that if I fell, I'd look like pretty much the biggest fag in the world.
Thinking about it now, I was pretty apathetic about the whole thing.
There wasn't necessarily a lack of emotion, there just wasn't any.
As I began to shove off toward the tree again, I thought about what else was to come in my life.
I breathed in the fresh air that was being forced into my lungs and stared up at the tree.
Even thought at the same time the tree seemed huge, in the scale of things, it seemed a lot smaller too.
It was just another tree.
When I was five, it was the tree. It was my tree. Now, it's just one of millions of trees. Even from here I can probably see about a hundred of them, and that's just sitting down and facing my own backyard.
Not facing the world.
Facing the world.
Gosh, now there's a scary though.
Through the time I spent writing this, I was watching a robin fly from fence to fence.
Suddenly, at seemingly random times, he'd dart towards a particular part of the grass and come up a few seconds later, worm in beak, and fly up to a branch.
Minutes later, he'd be back for another go.
After spending about three solid minutes watching him, I resumed typing only to look back and see he was gone.
Which is how life works: you make acquaintances to expand your thoughts, and then they fly away, so to speak, once they've served their purpose.
It looks like that robin's purpose was to get me to understand the world on another level.
Some people are around to teach you, some are around for you to teach.
Some are around for you to love…some are around to love you.
In reference to my siblings who've pretty much just invaded my little area of solitude,
some people are just around to give you migraines.
But I digress.
As my legs kept pumping me higher, I felt my hands reach towards the branches that seemed just beyond my grasp.
I just kept staring at them.
And then it came to me, this tree has a purpose.
And I think it's this:
Everything is always going to be just beyond your grasp unless you go and take it into your own hands to change it.
I could have gotten off the swing and walked a few yards and touched three,
But I chose to reach upward towards the highest branches and grasp for what was seemingly impossible.
But you're supposed to aim high, right?
You're supposed to shoot for the stars, take chances, take risks…jump off some swings, if you will.
Time for the point.
You're in charge of what happens in your life.
You need to take what's happening and what you want to happen and merge them into one.
Create one whole thought, one whole tree, and reach for the top if it.
It may not come easily but if you swing high enough, eventually, you'll get there.
It's your responsibility to aim from the branches and do whatever it takes to get there.
Even if you have to touch the trunk first.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a tree to climb.
----------------------
I found that today.
In an old folder.
Transcendentalism, before I even knew what it was.
It's weird to think about it.
I don't know what I'm saying. looool.
I'm bored and exhaustedly tired.
But i cannot sleep.
MAYBE ILL WRITE MOAR!
hahaha, maybe not.
annnd you may be wondering why this didn't end up on blogspot.
i reserve blogspot for stupid things that really don't matter.
i think this is meaningful.
.. i think.
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tired
